Originally written December 27, 2013.
Remember the big hysteria leading up to Y2K? Of course you do. Every computer in the world was supposed to come unglued on 1/1/2000, causing death and destruction hitherto unknown to mankind, just like in that movie “Maximum Overdrive.” I was DJing at a sports bar/nightclub that night, and I thought up the ultimate prank: Station someone at the electrical panel and have them shut off the main disconnect at exactly midnight. Oh, they would have remembered me…
As it turned out, the worst thing that happened was that some of my older programs displayed the year as 19100. Of course, we older folks were really disappointed – we were supposed to have flying cars and shit in that far-off, mythical year of 2000. I drove a Dodge Dynasty then, and no matter how I tried, I couldn’t get that fucking thing airborne. But we did get a magic box that gave us unlimited access to all kinds of free porn, so I guess that’s a fair trade.
Anyhow, let’s relive that not so fateful day with Billboard’s top 10 songs from one year before the actual turn of the century/millennium (that didn’t happen until 2001). This promises to be a really shitty top 10 with snarkier comments than usual, so enjoy! Survey dated January 1, 2000.
LFO – Girl On TV
Didn’t one of these guys die a few years ago? I swear I remember reading that. If you’ve never heard any music in your entire life, this will be the best song you’ve ever heard.
Blaque – Bring It All To Me
Wow, one member of this group is also no longer with us. Is this some sort of Y2K curse? Generic R&B girl group in the mold of Destiny’s Child – if you told me this was TLC or 3LW or SWV or 702, I’d say, “What’s that, the channel list for my cable or the new Cadillac lineup?” The song featured JC Chasez of NSYNC; didn’t he come out as gay? Or was that a Backstreet Boy? Or both? All I know is I need to cut my toenails. Excuse me a moment…
Donell Jones – U Know What’s Up
All right, I’m back. This guy’s actually still alive, breaking the streak. And he sounds like EVERY SINGLE OTHER MALE R&B SINGER OF THE LAST 25 YEARS. But that chick in the video has quite the exquisite ass, doesn’t she?
(UPDATE: That chick in the video is none other than Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, which adds one more to the total of dead people in this list.)
Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott Featuring NAS, Eve & Q-Tip – Hot Boyz
God, I fucking hate rap.
Marc Anthony – I Need To Know
These lyrics are really fucking lame. Marc Anthony rode the wave of the Latin pop fad started by Ricky Martin. He later married Jennifer Lopez, had a couple kids, then wised up…
Savage Garden – I Knew I Loved You
Quite a few brides and grooms have picked this song. Well, usually it’s just the bride. The groom just kind of goes along with it. Whatever you want, honey.
Whitney Houston – My Love Is Your Love
Just another generic R&B song. Even Whitney can’t change that. This brings our total of songs featuring people who have since died to
three four, or 30 40%.
Jessica Simpson – I Wanna Love You Forever
In 1984, many of the songs of 14 years earlier (1970) had already become bona fide classics. Name one song listed here so far you can say that about. Won’t happen. Oh, Jessica Simpson actually looks better with a few extra pounds.
Brian McKnight – Back At One
Well, at least this one’s slightly memorable. So it’s got that going for it.
All right, here we go! The number one song on the day everyone thought was the millennium, but really wasn’t, is:
Unlike everything else on this list, this is actually a halfway decent song. No wonder it was such an overplayed monster hit – it was an oasis in a desert of crap.
All right, one of my real-life friends (I do have a few of those) wants me to try that Jim Beam Devil’s Cut on NYE. Even though Kid Rock promoted it, I’m up for it. So hold all my calls and I’ll see you in 2014! Happy New Year!