Originally written September 20, 2013.
All right, loyal readers, I’ve been threatening to do this for some time, and now is the time. What’s that, you say? It’s time to do a flashback from a year that begins with 2. I will tell you in advance that there’s exactly one song on this list that I remotely like, and I do mean remotely. Popular music really had gone to shit well before this, but this will go down as the worst list I’ve done yet – it could destroy any goodwill I may have built up. On the other hand, it does give me a chance to sharpen my “ripping on things that suck” skills. Can you believe it’s already been 11 years?
No local chart data exists online for this time, at least not that I can find, so we’ll use the Billboard Hot 100. Brace yourselves – it’s about to get ugly in here! Survey dated September 21, 2002.
Just A Friend 2002 – Mario
I’ve got a great idea – let’s take a shitty old rap song, one that makes a mockery of music itself, and cover it. Better yet, let’s strip it of everything that made it unique and turn it into another generic boom & bass R&B song. Perfect.
Just Like A Pill – Pink
Happy – Ashanti feat. Ja Rule
Nothing like a song with superior musicianship, a clever melody, and deep, intelligent lyrics. No, really, this song is nothing like that. Ja Rule sure wanted to be DMX, who wanted to be Tupac.
One Last Breath – Creed
You’d think I’d be glad there’s one actual rock song in this top 10 list. You’d be wrong.
I Need A Girl (Part Two) – P. Diddy & Ginuwine Featuring Loon, Mario Winans & Tammy Ruggeri
Mr. Combs was obviously bitter about losing Jennifer Lopez to Ben Affleck, who eventually wised up and inspired the official thread of the old FC.
Hot In Herre – Nelly
Believe it or not, this is the one song I remotely like on this here Top 10 list. This is probably why:
Cleanin’ Out My Closet – Eminem
Marshall Mathers, who once lived in the same ZIP code as me, had three main subjects:
1) I hated my childhood and my mother.
2) I love my daughter, but I hate my wife. Except when I love her. Then I want to kill her.
3) I sure am controversial, aren’t I?
Later he added “I used to be addicted to pills, but I’m all better now.” I will say this: Eminem’s “Stan,” which does not adhere to this formula, is an example of what rap could and should be. It actually compels you to listen. Yes, it does.
Complicated – Avril Lavigne
“But I thought you said Creed had the only rock song on this list?”
Gangsta Lovin’ – Eve Featuring Alicia Keys
I’m so disappointed in Alicia Keys. She’s a classically-trained pianist, had one of the best pop songs of the 2000’s (“Fallin’ “), produced her own music – all at the age of 20. An extremely talented young lady. Then she did a song with “gangsta” in the title. Wow, Alicia, you’re so hip and innovative. What a fucking waste of talent. Oh, Eve? Yeah, she, like, said stuff over a bass-laden 4-measure loop. Just like P. Diddy.
All right, if you’ve managed to read this far, here’s the payoff. The #1 song this week in 2002 according to Billboard magazine is:
Kelly Rowland is one hot sista – I’d take her over Beyonce. Oh, the song? 21st century bubblegum. Do those shitty radio stations that suck ever play this as a golden oldie?
Phew! It’s gonna take a week to get the smell out of my speakers after this. All right, y’all, tell me how much better pop music was in 2002 than it was in the 60’s or 70’s. You’ll be wrong, but go ahead.